All it took was one Roller Coaster Ride!
I was a poor Indian graduate student living in Dallas, desperately looking for a job before I graduated. I had one course to finish my Masters. After an unsuccessful stint as a student worker marred by bouts of illnesses, I was plagued by these very questions myself. While there was an overwhelming feeling of guilt at having not been able to do my job properly, there was also this "Why me?" kind of feeling. I repeatedly questioned God as to why I was plagued by incessant health problems in the prime of my youth. Why I, who was strong as an ox had to face such difficulties. In retrospect it feels as though these troubles came my way to remove the negativity inside of me. As Rumi puts it "If you are irritated by every rub, how can you become polished?"
And so as I pondered what to do, my room mates Anand and Ravi came up with the perfect plan for spending Summer. The heat in Texas continued to rise unabated. Going out was like stepping into the gates of Hell , if you believe in such a place! (Personally I do not!)
So Anand and Ravi suggested that we should rent a car and go see San Antonio and Austin. We could cool our heels at Sea World and River Walk! Austin was also relatively cooler, being in a hilly region. They said Saranya and Mary who were friends of Anand, were also interested in joining us! In fact Saranya who was a resident of the US, was planning to get her car. There was no need to rent a vehicle at all! This seemed appealing to me. After having assured my doctor, that I will come back for the rudimentary tests after returning from the vacation, I agreed to this plan.
Now a little something about Anand and Ravi. They were poor Indian graduate students like me. Every cent was precious. So we had decided to share a room on Campus. The three of us basically shared all expenses like rent,electricity, groceries etc. Both Anand and Ravi were vegetarians and that was a blessing! Both were very good at heart. Ravi was the youngest of the three of us. He was also a little immature. He was an avid reader and at one point in time he had caught the 'Ayn Rand Syndrome'. Having read the 'Fountainhead' Ravi was immersed in Objectivism. For some reason, to him it also meant he had to embrace atheism. And so Ravi, who regularly prostrated before all the Gods in our prayer room before beginning his day, now suddenly, found himself bereft of all these rituals. He started growing in maturity and this phase was accompanied by bold confidence. It appears this sudden removal of shackles of theism had made him a 100% times more confident.
I also noticed that he had made some 25% progress in reading 'Atlas Shrugged' several months after reading 'The fountainhead'. For some reason, he never seemed to go beyond this point. All the while he assured me, that the book was a page turner! For as long as I can remember, he seemed struck at that 25%.
And thus, on that fateful day, we all woke up at 4:30 AM and quickly getting ready, packed our luggage and got into the car. Anand and Saranya took turns driving. I did not yet have a driving license in the US. Ravi and Mary were also in a similar state.
Other than a few stops for coffee and breakfast, the journey was largely uneventful. 6 hours of driving found us near the Sea World. The Sun was shimmering in the sky and the time was just 10 AM. We were all excited to see orcas,dolphins, sharks (I especially wanted to see Sharks) and Walruses. And the day was full of uninterrupted fun!
Forgotten were our worries! Forgotten was my pecuniary condition and financial dependence on my father. It was as though we were in the Sea and I was aquaman! We saw Shamu the ocra perform fabulous stunts. Then before heading out the see the dolphins, we decided to try out one of the fun rides! Most adventure enthusiasts would find this ride vapid! But for someone like me who has been blessed with an extra dose of fear for fun rides, that in itself was a challenge.
However, entirely due to peer pressure, I joined my friends. I buckled up and finding the harness and the handlebar quite sturdy I managed to reduce my fear by 0.05 %!! And off went the ride. It went up! It went down! It went sideways! I remember clutching the handle as tightly as I could. To take my mind off this fear, I decided to reduce the sensory input from my eyes and listen to the sounds and feel the balmy air. And then suddenly my ears were met with a barrage of Japa (Repetition of God's name!).
"RAGHAVENDRA!RAGHAVENDRA!....RAGHAVENDRA!" shrieked the voice in my ear. I was pleasantly surprised to hear the name of the famous saint of Mantralaya in my ears. I forgot my fear and turned to see the source of the sound. My surprise turned to shock! Who else but my atheist friend Ravi was chanting the name of the great Saint. Ravi had shut his eyes tightly. He had clutched the handle just as tightly as I did! And off he went calling out to the saint. For those familiar with the famous tale of Gajendra Moksha (The Elephant's salvation), one could picture the elephant Gajendra caught in the vice like grip of a monstrous crocodile. The elephant earnestly bequeathing Lord Vishnu to come save him from that life threatening situation. My friend Ravi looked every bit like the Gajendra of Myth. So lost was he in the Nama Japa (Repetition of divine name), that even after the ride was over, I had to go wake him up from his prayer!
An embarrassed Ravi stood before me, but he quickly recovered his composure, now that he was on firm ground. "Man...that was fun!" came Anand, Mary and Saranya running to us. "I...er...Hell yeah! It was fun" replied Ravi. "Why?" I asked. "Why?!! Whatever do you mean?" asked Mary? "I thought you were an atheist, Ravi!" I blurted out! "I am an atheist!" came the confident reply. "Then, why were you chanting Shree Raghavendra Swamiji's name? I saw you do that ever since we took off on the ride!". Now all eyes were upon Ravi. Ravi blushed and said "That....that doesn't count! I was scared! Did you see the way the ride was going up and down! It could happen to anyone! It doesn't mean anything!". The rest of us burst out laughing in unison!
Ravi continued with his atheist charade for a few more months. Then strangely one day I found him standing in front of the makeshift prayer room in our aparment, hands folded, head bowed, sonorously chanting the Vishnu Sahasra Nama (Thousand Divine Names of Vishnu!). And the tradition continued till we stayed as room mates. Now Ravi is happily married. He has completed his PhD. He is in a wonderful job and he is a great achiever. He is and always was a great learner. Sometimes as part of growing up, when we achieve success and are seduced by different philosophies in life and we begin to think no end to ourselves. We get carried away by philosophies like Objectivism, which we feel will provide us infinite happiness and a billion dollars! But sometimes life gives us harsh lessons and wipes out opinions formed by our head and not driven by our heart! To Ravi, objectivism was an inspiring philosophy and food for thought to the mind. His mind was married to the idea for some time and after a prolonged honeymoon, when it came down to real life, the crumbling foundation on which this new idea stood came crushing down. I am not against Ayn Rand, Objectivism or atheism. I merely feel that the path that takes us forward should be something that should be driven from the heart and not merely by the mind. Only then can it be deeply ingrained! It can be like a deep peaceful lake that can keep us calm and help us face the storm. Else, it is just like a shallow puddle. It will be here today, but evaporated tomorrow!
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